Catching up (Part 1)

It's been a little over three months since I last posted anything to the blog. It wasn't that I couldn't find 15 minutes to write each day or even that I didn't have anything to say, but more of a matter of not really knowing exactly what I wanted to say or even if I wanted to say it. I've been wondering how much of my personal life I really want to write about because it seems that in some personal matters as soon as I get excited about something and start to be hopeful, the verbalization itself seems to jinx it and everything quickly falls apart. Back in January I was excited about what seemed to be the start of a new relationship with someone I met in December. He was all too eager to use the word "relationship" like it meant something, but words require action to have meaning. When it came to following through on basic things that one might expect of a "relationship", he just wasn't ready, having not yet gotten over his last relationship, which ended last fall. My heart was broken temporarily - after all, we seemed to have a good connection on many levels, I had actually felt inspired, he spoke German... he seemed to match up with so many things on my "wish list". I guess I just wish he hadn't started off by doing everything right, only to disappoint me when he wasn't really ready to commit. I've since recovered and have been seeing someone else for a little over two months. This time I've decided to set aside my wish list and just go with things, which seems to be working so far. I think the problem is that my idea of love is based on feelings I've only ever had about people who never truly cared about me, i.e. in the past I've "fallen in love" with someone, but it was never reciprocated, so what I think falling in love is actually is just a false perception because it was never completely real. I don't actually know how it is to love and be loved in return. Maybe my idea of love needs to be tossed out and replaced with a different version. Sometimes I almost think the idea of arranged marriage and learning to love someone out of mutual respect might be more practical.